Wow, Girl Finder, that sound’s pretty useful, what’s it do?

The Girl Finder is a sophisticated utility for narrowing down on the girl of your dreams. Select some criteria (hair, race, age, etc.) and leave any that you don’t care about on “any”, click Search and prepare to loosen your pants. Also try keywords to find a specific girl or girls with pigtails, glasses, pajamas, etc.

What is a Blumkin?

Holy shit you don’t know? It’s only the latest in sexual technology. It’s when you get a blowjob while taking a shit… the two GREATEST feelings at the same time.

How do the ratings work?

The BlumKing generally sits upon his throne and watches the girl’s video. Then he rates on the following:

Face: Is the bitch ugly or not?

Boobs: I like to rate the tits on their Shape, firmness, and aesthetic quality

Body: Ratio is very important; I’m also not that fond of girls that are too skinny. Everyone should enjoy food, I sure as hell do…

Vagina: Face it, not every vagina is pretty, and I like to let you know which ones have the sauce and which ones are going to make your mouth water. Ahem, “the sauce” is a bad thing.

Personality: Typically I like a girl who is either playful and funny, or quarky and mentally unstable. Anything that gives some sense of reality is good.

Cocksucking: My girlfriend gives the most amazing blowjobs ever, and every time I just watch in awe. I rate the girls in comparison to her. Kacey from Cumfiesta should be a training video for anyone not satisfied with their own performance in getting dick put in their face.

Realness: This is basically a measure of how beleivable and realistic the video is. If the girl acts normal, that’s good; if she doesn’t fake all her noises, that is good also; and if there are no contingency problems with the plot.

What kind of biases do the Editors have?

Although we do get payed if we refer users to these webpages, as you can see by some harsh reviews, this doesn’t get in the way of our unbiased reviews. The BlumKing does tends to favor thick girls, good smiles, playful personalities, and clean-looking vaginas.

Why should I pay for porn?

A lot of these sites have deals where if you subscribe to one, you get access to a bunch more. Check the bottom of this page to see the combo deals.

For those of you who are used to surfing galleries, you’ve GOT to try video, as there’s literally no comparison. Especially if you have broadband, there is no excuse for jerking off to still images.

For those of you who rent videos, it’s actually a lot better to subscribe to one of these sites. In videos, you only know what’s in the video by the pictures on the box, but with ePornReview and these websites you can find EXACTLY what you want.

Finally, a $24.95 subscription is only 83 cents a day. Most of you jerk off more than once a day, think of the value!

Why don’t you have girls from megasites?

The BlumKing hates megasites, and that was a big part of his inspiration to make this page. All the girls from those sites look the same, and they are so fake it’s really a waste of time. We like to glorify the girls that show the truth about sex, the ones that laugh when something funny/awkward happens during the movie. In mass-production porn, that’s when they usually cut out footage, but most reality porn leaves it in, and that’s what we love. Most of the girls from megasites are pretty ugly anyways, they just load on the makeup and you can’t really tell. Fake boobs also are a bad thing. The BlumKing is ENFURIATED by fake boobs, and goes on a rampage whenever he sees a pair. Face it, fake boobs look so fucking disgusting. Point is… megasites = bad, amateurs = good.

Wow, the BlumKing sure does like to objectify women, is he really an asshole?

Yes. And he’s single too (ladies only please).

How can I link exchange with you?

Go to the Webmasters page.

How can I get my site listed here?

Again, see the Webmasters page.

What if I have a request for a review?

Fire off an email to blumking @ epornreview.

Who do I contact if I love your site so much that I have to speak my mind about it?

Shout outs can go to testimonials @ epornreview. But they’re not going up unless they are funny as shit.

Who is this mysterious BlumKing?

Once, there were many gods. Not one God like there is now. There was a god for everything. A god for sunlight, a god for moonlight, a god for sex… there were gods for everything. There was one god, the BlumKing, who was the god of masturbation. One day, the BlumKing ran into Fellatia, the goddess of oral sex, and she sucked his godly wang, and was forced to spit his godly sperm out of her mouth. And that, my friends, is how we had the first cum-storm.

What is Heet?

Heet = Hot Chick. When you see hot girls walk by, it is polite to shout out “HEET!”

What’s with those crazy legends?

Yeah, what is up with that?

What the fuck is up with the horrible writing in these reviews?

BlumKing has no formal education.

Are you guys accepting job applications?

Probably not, but if you really think you’re good enough, email blumking @ epornreview.

How do I jerk off my cock properly?

Go to your local Halloween store and find yourself a nice ripe pumpkin. Cut a face and mouth into it, apply some lipstick and a wig, and continue to plug the mouth section of the pumpkins face with your sturdy erect dick. If that doesn’t work, try just using your hand and some vaseline.

Why doesn’t the link work?

We do our best to make sure the gallery and trailer links work, but everyone makes mistakes =(.If you find an error, email blumking @ epornreview.

Why can’t I write two comments in a row?

We don’t want douche-bags spamming the comments.

I am one of the girls on your site, and I am horribly offended by my review!

Email testimonials @ epornreview.